Things I never dreamed I would ever say

*Please do not put your finger up the cat's bum, he doesn't like it.

*No, i promise the cat does NOT like your finger up his bum.

*Please do not put your finger up your own bum.

*Please do not use your penis as a button. That cannot feel good.

*See how mommy pees on the potty? Isn't that FUN?!

*Underwear does not belong on your head.

*Please do not pee on your sister.

*No, I am QUITE sure she does NOT like you to pee on her.

*...or poo, oh hell no.


Potty learning has brought a whole new dimension parenting vocabulary!

Bedside table of a pregnant woman

No, I'm not pregnant. oh lord let me not be pregnant. I'm not. I swear. I don't think...ok, i'm not. yeah, let's go with that. Not pregnant. But, i have been, twice, which means I am without a doubt knowledgeable about being pregnant. And with this knowledge comes the knowledge of the bedside table of a pregnant woman. And when you are housing an 8 lbs little person, with it's 20 pounds of baggage, you need everything within reach, and within reach is the bedside table.

For example


Note the Tums bottle. No self-respecting pregnant woman would be caught dead without one within reach. Especially with the promise of long periods of being horizontal. Being horizontal is not fun with heartburn.

And the water. The cruel twist of fate pregnant woman are subjected to is increased thirst, and decrease bladder room. You do the math.

And the book. While I'm sure not all women are/were as interested in Natural Childbirth as I am, hands down there is a labour/breastfeeding/newborn book on their nightstand. For me, natural was the key, and this book was great. I read it a few times actually. And made notes. And highlighted. And then promptly forgot all about it during my homebirth. Go figure.

Wowza

Talk about not blogging! ! Look at my lackluster blogging here, way to be a gemini woman. I'm all about the instant gratification, thinking whatever I write will be so gut wrenchingly funny people will email it to their friends, and their friends will email it to their friends, and so on and so on until my blog gets a million hits and I'm on Oprah. Not that I have an ego problem or anything. I'm just a gemini. with red hair. But I digress...

What was I talking about again? Oh right, this blog...I get going, and then get distracted by life and my other blog, then get discouraged that nobody reads and then stop writing. My apologies to my loyal and loving fans. Or Fan. or....wait, can there be a negative fan number? I was never good a physics. Or math for that matter. What, 1+1=2? I think not. it's been my experience that 1+1=3, but since this is still a realtively PG site, I won't go there. yet. Ratings to be reviews. How's that for a paragraph ? Paragraphs should have something in common, right? i was never one to follow the rules. But right, blogging, that's what i'm talking about. I think. Remind me, oh -1 reader? Geez, so much for showcasing that $40,000 worth of prime education, I can't ven write a paragraph!

SO since this post is random at best, and psychotic at most, let me tell you a story of something I saw today.

Scene: country road, me in my trusty loser cruiser with girlfriend asleep in back. The boys are back at home.

"Boom de la la, Boom de la la, shake that fancy butt..." that's me singing. I like to rock out in the van. I'm cool like that.

All at once, my olfactory senses are assaulted with a smell we all loathe. Skunk. ewwwww. ALL together now children, "EWWWWW".

Up ahead I see a cyclist, she appears to pulling over in the gravel shoulder...and slowing down...and stopping, getting off...bending over...wait a second, she's not...she wouldn't, she...EWWW! she picked up the dead skunk, EWWW kooties!!! She walks the skunk over to the ditch, gently places the carcass in the ditch, crosses herself and says a prayer. over a skunk. riiiiight.

That's my story. Having written it out, it's actually not as funny as I thought it would be. I hate when that happens!